Face each other
Look into each others eyes as you discuss problems.This is particularly difficult for those who are used to guerrilla warfare – shouting some nasty comment, slamming down the phone or slamming a door – leaving no room for discussion because your partner is absent. However, two people can be in the same room and still be absent.
Put down the paper or turn off the TV, and come out of hiding. You both need to participate.
Ignore distractions
Focus on resolving only the problem at hand. Avoid raising side issues.Guard your tongue
Avoid ridiculing and name-calling.Name-calling is like swearing, and it attacks your partner’s character. Once name-calling enters the fight, your partner won’t hear anything you say, no matter how right you might be.
He becomes too busy thinking about how to defend himself instead of listening to you.
Hold the history
“You always”, “why can’t you ever”, and “you never” are examples of history. And history doesn’t belong in your arguments.Bringing up history indicates to your partner that nothing will ever change and that the past has not been forgiven or forgotten.
Touch
Hold hands. This position softens the heart and makes us feel vulnerable to each other.We are more willing to be reasonable and caring than to win at all costs when we hold hands.
Stay in there
Finish the fight. Don’t go to bed with unresolved anger.Finally, you must be open to compromise. You can walk hand-in-hand without always seeing eye-to-eye.
If you and your spouse take these rules to heart during a calm time, you can set healthy ground rules for conflict resolution that will serve you well in your marriage.
When you and your wife argue and come to realize that we’re out of bounds and not following the “fighting fair guidelines”, one of you should say “we’re not fighting fair” !
Then we get back to actually working to resolve the real issue.
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