Communication between Men and Women

Men and women view communication differently. For women, talking and sharing is a form of intimacy. For men, talking is the tool they use to get a point across in order to achieve a goal or solve a problem. Men mainly get their dose of intimacy through touching, sex, and physically doing things for their woman.

In the beginning of your relationship, conversation was easy because his goal was to woo you so that you would choose him to be your monogamous partner. That took some serious sweet talkin’ and some gettin’ to know ya time. Now that he’s confident in his role, he can throw on some sweats, get comfy on the couch, and relax. He no longer sees the need to talk because his goal is accomplished. It’s important for you to understand this fundamental difference between you and boyfriend for three reasons.

1. So you can see that him not talking is not a sign that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. It’s not a rejection.

2. So you can see that talking is not a priority for him in the relationship. He’s not going to get bored with you because you don’t talk “enough.” “Enough” to him are the words he needs in order to get a job done. Everything else is fluff. As long as he’s doing things for you physically, he’s taking care of his need for intimacy.

3. So that you can take responsibility for the need to communicate in the relationship. It’s not his need, so he’s not going to initiate action. It’s your need so it’s your job to initiate a change.







Now that you know these 3 critical points of view, I can show you 3 ways to immediately improve communication with your partner.

1. The simplest way to elicit more conversation from your man is to change your question from, “How was your day?” to “What did you do today?”

The first question is asking him about his feelings and experience of the day. Women can talk for hours on this subject but a man usually limits his answer to one word, “good” “fine” or “okay.” You’ll notice a man rarely says, “bad.” This is because if a man’s day was bad, he’s not going to want to talk about it. Men have this amazing thing called an “off switch” where they can put their unsolvable problems out of sight and out of mind. (I’m so jealous! I want one!) If it’s a bad dayand you interview him about the details, he’s going to resent you for bringing up an issue he had safely put away so that he could enjoy his time with you. So instead of getting a one word answer or worse, fishing for drama, ask him “What did you do today?” This opens him up to allkinds of comfort zones. He knows the answer to this question. He knows what he did, where he went, what impossible problems he solved, what amazing feats of strength and honor he acted out. He likes showing his woman how smart, clever, strong and capable he is. He likes to answer this question.




Another simple word exchange is to change your question from, “How do you feel?” to “What do you think?”


2. Another way to stimulate more communication is to participate in projects and activities that you have in common. This way you can inspire both of your intuitive communication styles. You can talk about your feelings, reactions, and experiences of the activity. He can talk about the problem solving aspects and the steps of action necessary to achieve the goal. If he’s a little gun shy, feel free to prompt him with questions and ask him for his advice. Here are 5 fun ideas of activities and projects you could share:

1.     Take a class together. Yoga, art, improvisation, dance, cooking…

2.     Learn a new skill together. Photography, wine pairing, roasting your own coffee, playing guitar…

3.     Make a new challenging recipe once a week together.

4.     Plan a vacation together.

5.     DIY project in your house. Painting, refinishing, tiling, decorating, landscaping…



Tailor it to you and your sweetie’s likes and passions. You’ll find that these can inspire the both of you to talk in a natural and intuitive way. No one has to force anything.

3. But probably the most impactful thing you can do to improve communication is to realize that the one who should be doing most of the talking is YOU. Communication in a relationship is not meant to be tit for tat. In fact, I always warn talkative men to ensure that they never talk more then their woman. A woman experiences intimacy through sharing her feelings, stories, and experiences but only when a man sits in frontof her, looks her in the eyes, and really listens. She needs to feel heard. If your dinner conversations are light, know that you are the one who should be doing the talking. That way you can give him the opportunity to listen and you can give your relationship a chance to strengthen and deepen it’s bond.